Loving America: When Devotion Meets Betrayal
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So I’m all up in my feelings today because I’m having some relationship issues and though it’s outside of my character to publicize my personal problems, I will do so anyway and ask you all to chime in with your thoughts.
I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll guess I’ll just jump right in. What do you do when someone you love unconditionally doesn’t love you back? How do you react when you are continuously beat down, disappointed and hurt by the one who you have given and continue to give all you have to? I mean, I know the right answer cause hell, I’m a licensed clinician myself — but I guess it’s different when you’re on the other side of the desk. There’s no black and white in love… it’s really all just different shades of gray. I know most people would say I should leave this relationship immediately, for it is deemed to be toxic and doomed from the start. I can feel your judgmental snarls repeating that nothing healthy can come out of it and blah, blah, blah. But that’s not what I wanna hear because the fact of the matter is I love her. And you can’t tell anybody, anything about somebody they love. Some of my friends and even my fellow clinicians may label me insane for staying, perhaps diagnosing me with the male version of “Battered Woman’s Syndrome.” But ya’ll don’t know her like I do… I see her inner beauty even when she’s outwardly ugly in the way she acts towards me. I know she loves me too… she has too — right? Because that’s what you do when someone loves you… you love them back. And she says it all the time even though I don’t always see it in her actions. I think it’s that she just has problems showing it in front of other people… And we’ve all been through that stage when we didn’t want the cool kids to see us all “boo’d up” and being soft, LOL. Yeah, its’ cool. Plus, I know she’s working on it.
Trust me, when this is all said and done, we’ll be on some ‘Cosby Show’ sh-t. Even though our relationship may seem dysfunctional, you really can’t judge us just based off of what I’ve told you because we all have a tendency to share only the bad stuff when we talk about our problems. We’ve actually come a long way from how we were years ago when she wouldn’t even let me sit next to her at the lunch counter. Back then, she would literally and figuratively spit in my face, but I kept right on loving her because I knew she didn’t mean it. It was just kind of a misplaced anger displayed to push me away, but I’ve stuck by her side all this time and our relationship has only gotten stronger. And young love will have its misunderstandings, right? Besides, God is love and God forgives, so I should too. And I will, with or without your consent or approval.
Listen, I know I asked for some advice, but I want you all to be careful with your words as you can’t even imagine what it’s like to love and be loved by her. I know what you think you see, but I promise it’s much more than what meets the eye or even the initial assessment. And I’m not trying to be funny, but don’t you dare pretend to know THIS love the way I know this love. There’s an old song by Lenny Williams called ‘Cause I love You’ in which he croons about his friends not understanding how he feels about the one he loves and the fact that may be they’ve never been in love like he’s been in love or felt the things that he’s felt. And I echo those sentiments exactly. You think you know, but you have no idea!
You know what??? Now that I’ve kinda talked my way through it, I don’t think I’ll need your input after all. I know what to do. I’m just going to keep loving her. I’ll love her through whatever she’s going through because I want the same from her. Even when she doesn’t know how to love herself, I’m going to love her, because that’s what I want to be reciprocated. She’s strong enough to give me that – to provide that safe haven I need. Honestly, I have some of those same issues, but I’ve put them on the backburner because she is what’s most important to me. And if I can just get us right, then I can focus on my issues later. See, look at you… I see that look on your face… I knew how you guys would respond. Just like my parents, telling me she’s no good for me. Well, to hell with you and your opinions of her! I’m going to keep turning the other cheek because I know God will bless our relationship if I just keep holding on and praying for Him to change her heart! I don’t need to complain… besides when I do, she just tells me to get over it anyway. And I know I should because ultimately, I am the one who needs to change, not her. I knew how she was when I entered the relationship. She has always felt like she had to take whatever she wanted and I guess that’s because things were taken from her when she was younger. And you know how it goes. Often times, the one who is bullied grows to become the bully. I probably just need to be calmer, you know? Speak her ‘love language’ and all that suave sh-t. Then she’ll stop mistreating me for sure. And now that I think about it, I really don’t even care what you guys think because I’m still going to love her.
I guess the only real problem is the fact that this abusive relationship I am in is with none other than AMERICA. And I don’t know how to keep loving her when she constantly berates me and consistently reminds me that I’m not enough. I can’t figure out this aching pain I have inside… this love that turns to hate and then reverts to love. What type of spell does this country have me under when I believe that I’m doing good just to have a place at the table — not realizing that all the seats are taken and I’m actually only there because I’m on the menu. And while I know this relationship is indeed toxic, I want it to work. But, I don’t know how and it seems like I’m trying to force something that just isn’t meant to be. Or maybe it is and America just needs to be reminded that I’m just as capable of hate as I am of love. Perhaps she needs to know that I will fight my way out if I keep being neglected, degraded and pushed into corners. I don’t know. The only thing I’m truly certain of is that love shouldn’t hurt… and it damn sure shouldn’t feel like this…